Settling In to a Second Year

So this is a veiw from the Hangar or Barn. It stretches out towards a place called Conques between the distant hills. The posts in the ground signal the boundary of The Healing Path, my home.

When I came here just over a year ago, I had the fortune to witness a rainbow stretch over the valley and it looked as if the rainbow was over the property.

Now in Mid April there is no rain and water is already scarce. I continue in my routine of of daily walks, meditation, meetings. I continue to work at my Masters in Psychology. In truth I have found it quite demoralising at times. Essay deadlines are met with intense focus or concentration ( which I find difficult a lot of the time ) , followed by a period that feels like depression but may well be autism fatigue. I am only learning about these conditions as I go and sometimes I find them extremely challenging. Sometimes I have huge AHA , or Penny drop moments from my life. How did I keep forgetting I had a rabbit as a kid? Well now I have an explanation.

I know nothing about autism, or ADHD, or clinical depression from a theoretical point of view apart from what I would have seen in the media. I know it all from the basis of living life on lifes terms. Accepting fatigue when it comes, realising it’s just something to cope with or strategise around. It explains my inability to close doors I open, tidy things into their correct place, why I get bursts of cleaning and organising and then letting it all go to bits again. Well I suppose it’s good to know why I am the way I am.

So today, edging on burn out after an essay and being available for people all the time, I find myself wanting to indulge in comfort but not really having the energy to do it. As usual at The Healing Path there are a million things I could do, any one of them would move the project forward. Today I was cutting half of half the prarie. The grass has gotten too long too quick and my ride on electric mower can’t handle it effectively. It gets blocked and cuts out and I have to take out the key to reset it, after climbing underneath to clean away the dense mulch. Where it’s long, if I cut just less than half the width of the mower, it seems to be able to manage without cutting out too many times. It’s frustrating but I practice my patience. Once I get the long grass cut once, and stay on top of it, the mower works brilliantly… but I didn’t stay on top of it this time and It’s the 3rd time in about 6 weeks the grass has to be cut.

Walls in the house still need smoothing out. The hallway is stripped and I have the materal to fill in the holes. Some places the floor and the walls have cracks where air gets in and I need to fill these in. The insulation in the big cellar has to be done. The insulation in the attic space needs to be finished. The attic space needs to be cleaned and a new floor put in. The kitchen is just a disaster.

I was due to have a new pathfinder this month flying in from USA, but there is a problem on the other side and getting a ticket seems to be a major obstacle. Perhaps this is the will of what I call my Higher Power. I find myself sometimes a little overwhelmed with the amount of tasks to complete and I see that if I spend time in the garden, nothing happens in the house, and if I spend time in the house nothing happens in the garden. Nothing is urgent, but there is a time to plant and so my focus has been on seeds water, soil, manure raised beds, and creating a space more coherent that what I had managed this time last year. I am less compulsive, and more organised, but still compulsive. It seems , or at least I have the ability to look at my life and my progress and see the blessing in how it is at present.

I question regularly what the heck am I doing? It seems that those who were to be here physically, have been unable to be here. This is not me criticising anyone. I am conscious that the best laid plans can often turn out far differently than anticipated and so although alone here, I presume the project, and I myself are exactly where I need to be. I probably would not have had my papers turn out the way they did for university had I a house full of pathfinders. I have now submitted the final essay so perhaps HP saw the sense in my living alone. But I did presume that at least one other person would create a team with me, on more than one occassion.

I am not lonely the way I used to be in my drinking days or even in early sobriety. Something has clicked for me. I am trying to accept myself and my life as I find it. I am gently envious of those in couples but I know that being in a couple for me is a disaster unless the person I find is on my level of spirituality and intelligence and tolerance. I have learned that I often went with people in my past because they were available and found out over time how unsuitable we were for each other. Like many, we tried to force it to work, neither of us brave enough to let go and create space for the ‘right’ person. So until someone suitable shows up romantically , in that sense I will stay alone. I am definitely putting out there Universe. Haha.

I am also alone in my project. Even though I am in contact with addicts and alcoholics on a daily, and even though I do get a lot of moral support from people who believe in me, who believe in The Healing Path, here I am, writing a blog, looking at grass that still needs cutting and wondering, how will The Healing Path look in another year? Will I still be alone, in any sense of the word, or indeed in all senses? Will I be looking ruefully back and wishing for this relatively quiet time?

I recognise as with some of my trees , patience is a blessing. Sometimes I have believed certain trees or plants to be dead and yet, they have proved me wrong and now are thriving. So I wait. I ask for guidance and pray that it will come. I ask for company, for reassurances, but why ask for things I already have?

So the seedlings are ready, the temperature is above norm, the rainfall below norm, I have planted onions and garlic , last years Rhubarb came back. This week I have planted Irish turnip, beets, carrots, butternut, and pumpkin and I bought 4 small chard plants , two swiss and two normal. I have lettuces that are growing and cabbage and cauliflowers, and my potato plants are coming up just great.

I am due to water today but I am going to wait because a storm is forcast for tonight, but I’ll believe it when I see it.

Thanks for reading .

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March 9, 2026