Holding your pace and place!
24 May 2026
One of the most difficult things to do when you live alone is to not fall into the pit of doubt. Doubt is that idea that it’s all going to fall apart, the world , the idea, me, the whole kit and kaboodle will just trip over itself and smash into a shuddering smitheren like stop. Words like Failure, Useless, and chants of ‘You don’t know what your doing’ , ( from the fictional hundreds of thousands in the stadium that doesn’t exist) ring around the chambers of the mind as I look at a corridor with walls that somehow look more battered now they are painted and doors that are willing to slide off their hinges in admission that are barely capable of serving their intended purpose. Tools lie on the ground like weapons discarded from some historic battle and as I make my way away from the mayhem, dogs toys try to trip me up as the dog just looks at me with the head cocked to one side as if trying to figure out what the heck his human is actually trying to do. I make my way through the bombsite of a kitchen with a fridge thats too big for this huge house but was apparently small enough for a kitchen half the size of the current one for over a decade.. ( hang on how has this fridge freezer lasted that long? Leave it where it is, it might break). I come out the back of the house past more chaos and see my vegetable beds, the grass laying in wait , waiting for when I sleep , and on a given day it will just decide to grow so many inches over night as to make it nigh impossible to maintain. Plants are gasping for water in 30C and nothing should be done about that till sunset. Nobody has yet signed up for the retreat on Step 1 from June 18-22 and if they do, the house should be at least welcoming and organised. Or at least more organised than my alcoholic adhd autistic brain. ( That’s a mouthful, I am actually the only normal person I know) …
I am reminded of progress not perfection. Those who have acheived before me have sometimes been relentless. I am not. I am however consistent. I refuse to get up in this imaginary stress of the West , that I have to be productive every day, I have to make a shit ton of money , I must keep producing. I am convinced it’s a political economic trick performed by past governments and millionares to keep the plebs at the production line or in the office and somehow , these people who devote large parts of their lives to achieving wealth they can never enjoy are somehow feted as heroes of the modern world. Meanwhile , not just addicts and alcoholics are suffering, dependent and lost. I have a better way for me I believe.
I have often heard the opposite of addiction is connection. I know in my own story I got so disconnected from family, home, community, and a sense of purpose, that turning to copious amounts of alcohol and sometimes pills and often hours of ridiculous video games, porn, doom scrolling wars and politics that I could do little or nothing about; left me empty. That emptiness resulted in vulnerability and loneliness and it became the typical vicious circle, eating my own tail repeatedly , while bewailing my fate.
It has taken me a decade to understand and become convinced that the model of life presented to us in the West is inherently unhealthy. Be a tycoon if you want, pursue greatness and acclaim if that is what you desire. I have looked into the eyes of a few CEO’s and never thought oh, I must invite this one to dinner. I have to say I have had the immense privelge of knowing some amazing business men and inventors in my life and they have been great people. I have a different path. I have come to believe in the presence of a creation that is benevolent. A power greater than myself that is not of human form or concept but an energy, which is vibrating best when I am happy fufilled and at peace. My purpose is to share it, to be the best version of myself that I can be while trying to embody the essence of this energy.
Yes there is a possibility I am telling myself a story, a fiction, but so what? It’s a far better fiction than the one I learned in the boy scouts where ‘nobody loves me, everybody hates me that’s why I eat worms’… ( can you imagine in this day and age teaching that to kids?).
I am convinced slowing down and listening to self, to nature, to the essence of life is the way forward. It’s the model I have built on here. My timetable, I borrowed from one back in the day when I was a Novice in a group of men, who purported to follow the way of the Patron saint of nature. I found the reality to be very different and that story didn’t work out as intended. Here I am a quarter of a century later, I have 2 hours of physical labour , 2 hours of study, two spiritual walks, 2 sessions of meditation, vegetarian or vegan meals, practicing good regular personal hygene. In this plan I try to become mindful of the human being I have been presented with on this journey of life. I am not ignoring the practicalities of the modern world, nor running away from them and the obligations of living in a society. I am however refuting the pressure to perform. That is what turned me into the addict I am in the first place, or least was definitely a contributing factor. Giving up on dreams to follow obligations. The Healing Path is different and it’s all in the name. Here I am learning how to repair things and adding to a vast repetoir of skills. I am learning patience and tolerance. I am learning motivation and discipline. I am learning about faith. Not a faith as in some religious thing, but faith in myself, my abilities, faith in the path and vision, faith in the universe. I notice the impatience to succeed. The desire to have it all take off. The phone calls to appear on podcasts and explain what the hell I am doing and how I did it. It’s not to be seen, it’s a desire to not fail. I don’t want this to be a failure , a waste of time and I don’t want to consider that I might be wrong. But I do. So I am brought right back to faith again, stay the course Collie.
So I do my best to wade through the chaos, limiting myself to taking my time and not over doing it. I make headway in tidying and organising and putting things in their place. Nothing I do is perfect and I am learning to be okay with that. In any given room there are 4 or 5 jobs to do. However the list of things to do is so long, I had to turn to an AI program to get some direction. Some days the piority is the thing I feel like doing, or just the thing I am able to do, and some days, I am not able. So I give myself permission. I cannot counsel a pathfinder and explain they shouldn’t hurt themseleves if I am hurting myself on a daily basis. Getting from A to B takes time. The greatest explorers and researchers and the most successful people in humanity all have one thing in common, behind every over night success there are years of effort and consistency. Be relentless, feels to me like an absence of mindfulness and a lack of awarness of the impact either for the greater good or one that’s harmful. Walking The Healing Path to the best of my ability on daily basis , teaches me consistency.
Steady as she goes helmsman, I seem to remember this quote perhaps from Star Trek or something else, but I am left with the conclusion that made me write the title to this piece. As I sit out at the picnic table in the evening , eating my meal prepared with produce from the garden, I watch the sunset as in the image above. I have a conviction, Hold my pace and Hold my place.. I have no idea how the journey will end, but it’s not ending today.. I am grateful for your time as you read this. Happy to have your feedback in the comments.
May 11, 2026 
Adrienne Parker says:
Thanks for writing and sharing Colm. I feel better when I’m productive but I do allow myself to go at my own pace. Some days I’m lazy and I know that’s ok. Too many lazy days is depressing. There is always so much to do and I understand I’ll never get it done. We never get it done. That’s not the point. Being in the moment is the point and I get that’s holding your place. Like Ram Das said, “Be Here Now”. But responding to the needs of maintaining my life can be tricky if I don’t want to go into overwhelm. I try to remember that ‘rest’ is on my “to do” list, along with reading, eating healthy, taking supplements, drinking water, moving my body, and most of all, being grateful. Everything is temporary, so it’s what we do with it while it’s here that counts.
admin says:
Hey so lovely to hear from you and have you visit . Wonderful . Yes Be Here, Now…. What I want to do is help people get well and find some direction and purpose and that for me is my best expression of living … Be here now… beautiful , thank you. I hope you and yours are well.
Sharon says:
The realisation that more of us feel these feelings and we are not alone is a strength in itself. I struggle some days to put my feet on the floor and stand up out of the bed without the voices crowding in telling me I’ve already failed today. But I haven’t. And I do all I can to hear the voice that says it’s ok to doubt but it’s not ok to give up.
Kia kaha my friend. We’ve come so far, and we have far to go. Together stronger, together alive.
admin says:
Thank you Sharon, I really appreciate the input. Sometimes the sense of overwhelm is enormous but I remember the story of the lady who had 100 shirts to iron. She did one. Then she no longer had 100. The next day she did another. Eventually she had only 1 shirt to iron and had become so adept and practiced , she did it joyfully. So one thing … not even one thing at a time, just one thing. We have indeed both come a long way, I would never have guessed when I was cavorting the streets of Dublin, back in the day, I would end up in this version of Paradise.